I got chris browned last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
