Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
