I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize