i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
