Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
