Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
