420 ftw
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I pour the whiskey from now on
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
