We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
