I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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