omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
