summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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