I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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