my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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