I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
