I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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