just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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