I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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