I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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