At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
