Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
