Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
