Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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