Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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