Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
