Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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