It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
