So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
