I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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