you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
