3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
