My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh god it's open bar.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
