did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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