officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
