your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
