it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
