I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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