I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
