Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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