Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Im part way to drunk.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
