Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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