So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
