i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
