saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
