I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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