remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
