You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
