You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
