I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
