I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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