Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
