So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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