When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
