I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
