Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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