Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
