We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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