u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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