The maid of honor just puked.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
