somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
