when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
