Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
