I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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