I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
