New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
