Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
