I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
