So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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