At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I AM VODKA MAN
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
