Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you inspire me to be a worse person
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
