I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize