He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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