Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
