I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
