The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
