I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
