I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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